Yes, maybe I should get some help, when clearly I show lack of energy to do everyday tasks and chores. When I can't even make myself do the only think I told myself I would do today, head to the gym.

When small matters feels big, when they demand my push, my pull, to be done and having done them I feel well ... My own path, my own steps, it shouldn't matter that my family wouldn't see them as accomplishment, merely an everyday matter done on a whim. Done without thinking.

Get help, I...

I have such a brilliant mind, time and again I've shown myself to truly posses that inner strength my mum told me I had... Even if one of those times, was Ripped down from it pedistal by my father's random poorly chosen words, spoken so bluntly I wasn't prepared...

But, I've been depressed before, twice at least, known it was that truly afterwards. And I got away from it on my own, not without help from others but neither help for that very reason, not from breaking down and admitting how I felt deep inside down in my very core and thus gaining a push or a pull.

No... It must be possible to find and utilize my inner strength, for real this time. So much I wish I could go back and change, bridges I've burnt and chances I let slip away, ran and hidden from even, not really admitting to anyone.
Some of them from trying to make it own my own, spinning lies so I didn't have to deal with their disapointment and their judging...
Maybe I should be honest, they've realised before, seen my lack of... Energy, the will to truly do something.

I want to be thin, I want friendS(plural, not just one I barely get to see her being wrapped up in her own life with friends and nowadays even a boyfriend), I want a job, money, a bigger apartment , a loved one; a man I can see myself build a family with...

My dad and Older Sister keep telling me to apply for Jobs wherever they may be, no matter if it would take me miles away from anyone I know, no matter if I don't have anywhere to live yet and no savings for buying one either. Maybe an uprooting, how devasting even the the thought of it might feel, may be just what I need.

For so long now I've felt like I'm standing still, crawling onwards on the weaking hope of a silver lining to my path, that make everything worth it..,

Love thyself, the only companion you truly have from the craddle to the grave.